Fall Brrrrr-eak

Hello blog-followers, study abroad potentials, and anyone else who may or may not be reading my free-associative thoughts here:

I know it's been awhile since I've blogged. Why, you ask? I'm not sure. I guess I could say that I've been busy with exams, studying, and homework, but let's be real.

I'm not exactly bombarded with loads of schoolwork, here. It's more the intellectually and creatively stimulating environment that I'm constantly surrounded by that's so time-consuming. The conversations. The art being produced. The subtle lessons learned in class. The vibe of the island. There's just so much to consider.

And this past week, I've been alone. Literally. The rest of the students went to Istanbul for the week.

It's been a nice break. Without classes. Without anyone else in the apartment complex. I've had a very relazing week filled with resting, watching movies, laying on the beach, shopping, meeting new people, walking around Paroikia, enjoying the beauty in being still.

I think I needed this week to revamp my spirit. I needed time to refocus my energy and attention, so that I could be fully present and attentive in these last eight weeks abroad. And, in doing so, I've been able to grow so much. In every possible way.

I've realized that putting pressure on my time here to be this magnificent transformation that I'll never be able to revisit is ridiculous. I mean, a huge part of this experience and living here are the struggles. The obstacles. The hardships. All of those battling thoughts in my head that I think are distracting me and making me "lose out" are part of what makes up this time. Getting through those thoughts. Piecing together ideas and hopes and realizations.

In hindsight, I'm sure I'll look back on these months and realize, "Wow, those were the hardest, most strengthening months of my life. But I wouldn't have changed one thing about them." So, if I know I wouldn't change anything about my time here, why should I get so wrapped up in trying to control it now?

And that's what I've been so busy with these past two weeks. Not studying or homework or taking adventures. But learning. I've been learning how to stop trying to conduct a life I think is right. Or make choices that I think I should be making. Or being the person I think is the best version of myself.

Simply learning how to live. How to just breathe and know that it's all taken care of. All I have to do is breathe (and sleep and eat and drink water and exercise occasionally). Though this seems like an obvious understanding to most, I find it difficult to obtain.

Being still is hard. Just living is hard. But that's what I've been doing. And that's what I'll continue to do.

~~~

In between all that living, here's a recap of my last two weeks:

Zack Welsh and me dressing up as Ares and Aphrodite

for our Goddess presentation

Michelle, Mariana, Anna, Cat, Grace, and me

at Garden Apollon Restaraunt for dinner

Sitting at Dodoni's waiting for class to start

Watching The Notebook with Lynne and Isabel on a rainy day

Resting on Market Street with my grandparents and Sonja

My yummy Greek salad that I made for dinner

Rain Down On Me

It's raining in Paroikia tonight.

Definition of a perfect day:
Wake up leisurely. Watch some American TV for the first time in weeks. Relax with a few good friends. Watch The Notebook in cloudy weather. Have dessert with a local, shopowner and learn about his life. Walk around town in the rain at night.

Walking around the beautiful, lit-up streets in the rain is unmatchable. I got coffee at the port and walked around Market Street, listening to music. The perfect way to end a perfect day. Plus, there was just an island-wide blackout.

I love stormy weather.

This place is one of a kind. I'm so blessed and happy to be here. I will take it with me always.

A Reoccurring Theme

In almost every conversation I've had, in the last few days, we've spoken of our mind's ability to comprehend the world.

Heavy stuff, right?

Whether it was involving: A. the increasingly irritating "living in the moment" B. our linear view on time and responsibilities C. our relationship with something outside of our own understanding; it was always leading back to our minds. How we view our lives. Our capabilities. Our interactions. Our passions.

I think some of us are off the mark. Most of us.

It's been so ingrained in us that this strict format of a life is the only way to go about it. You're born. You go to school for 16+ years. You get a job. You get married and start a family. You hopefully retire before you die. And, occasionally, you save up enough money to throw in a few vacations.

That's so off. And, frankly, it terrifies me.

While, yes, guidelines help us maintain structure and maybe even sanity. Guidelines also limit us. They tell us what we have to do and what we can't do. But who wants to be told they have to make this much money or they're a failure? Or that they'll never be able to accomplish this because it's simply not practical?

I know it seems like I'm getting off on tangents, here. But these things connect. I'm a list-maker, so here's one for you.

A. Living in the moment. I hate this phrase. It's loaded. There's constant pressure to make sure that you fully take in your surroundings and your experiences. If we're ever able to only be in the present, however, there's not a lot of room for imagination and excitement for what's to come. Heck, that's where artists get their inspiration. Imagining the future or being enchanted by the past. It's not to say that being presently aware is foolish, by any means. I just think there's a difference between "living in the moment" and applying those constant thoughts (on the past and future) to the moment.

I

I

I

V

B. Linear view on time and responsibilities. If you were born in America, which all of you reading most likely are, than you're aware of the mindset focused around time. Busy, busy, busy. Always working. Always filling time gaps with more tasks. By the time Saturday rolls around, you're too exhausted to live. Or maybe you don't even get a Saturday. But who's to say that time has to be so...so focused. So future-driven. So revolved around the idea of what's next? Why is it so hard for us to think of time, less like numbers on a clock, and more like...
this energy that graces us with opportunity. I know I've just lost some of the cynics. I haven't turned into a herb-loving hippie, Mom. I'm just entertaining the idea that there's more to time than we can see. Some might call this energy God. God allows us this "time" to take opportunities. To make changes. To affect others. Love others.

I

I

I

V



Stick with me, here. I promise, this is where it all ties together.

C. Relationship with something outside of our own understanding. This God that gives us time to live in the moment wants us to make better use of ourselves. I don't believe in a God that wants me to limit myself to a lifeplan because it's more realistic, responsible, and practical. I don't believe in a God who wants me to feel guilty when I let moments pass without being able to recall every speck surrounding me. But I do believe in a God of grace. Love. Joy. Respect. I believe that my God graces me with the abilities and opportunities to love others in ways that evoke joy and respect. My God's time is so different from what I've grown up to understand. It's not 24 hours that make a day worthy. It's the thoughts and actions that make the day mean something. That make our lives mean something.

I don't think I'll be on my deathbed wishing I'd been more practical in getting that one job or regretting not double-majoring in college. What I hope I'll be saying is, "I'm so grateful that God allowed me to love every day of my life. And, to my fullest ability, that's what I did. I was perpetually loving."

~~~

I'm not sure if this makes sense to anyone besides myself. But I hope you got something out of it.

Something that will make you stop in your tracks. Evaluate your life. And think about what drives you. Why do you get up at 6:30 every morning? Why do you work yourself into the ground week after week? What are you working towards? A degree? Retirement?

What if that day doesn't come? What if right now was your final moment? With fear of sounding cliche and terribly cheesy, we're not promised tomorrow.

I'll end this long, possibly incoherent rant (I apologize) with a stanza from Wislawa Szymorska's poem Nothing Twice.

Why do we treat the fleeting day

with so much needless fear and sorrow?

It's in its nature not to stay;

Today is always gone tomorrow.

With new ideas and humble thoughts--

Serenity in Santorini

Just got back from Santorini for the weekend. Words cannot describe how beautiful this island was... so I won't let them.

Waiting for the breath-taking sunset in Oia, Santorini

Swimming in the Volcano Crater after cliffjumping with my friend Kerri

Random, live Greek music and free pastries in Oia

the top of the hill on our 4 hour hike to Oia, with Lynne and Kerri

The beautiful Oia, Santorini

The hiking group at the castle in Oia

The awesome donkey I got to ride in Oia

The more I try to sum this weekend up into words, the more humbled I get by this experience. I can't even begin to verbalize how thankful, happy, and blessed I feel. There was so much beauty in everything I got to see and feel and hear and touch.

Saturday in Santorini was unmatchable. There was endorphins in the four mile hike I got to do. There was peace in the moments I got by myself. There was joy in the music I got to hear, the food I got to eat, and the donkeys I got to ride. There was beauty in the sunset I got to watch and the town I got to explore. There was adrenaline in the cliffjumping I got to do into the volcanic crater. There was love in the people I was with and the people that I met.

But most of all...there was gratitude.

There was humility.

At dinner, I was sitting and taking it all in. I realized that I had lived in the moment the entire day. I hadn't thought about anything other than what I was doing in each moment. It was something so simple, but I was so grateful for that.

I was so grateful for the freedom in only thinking of the present. Being in the present. Taking it all in. Step by step. Breathing in the smells. Seeing the details in the sights. Hearing each note of the music being played. Feeling each flower and drop of water. Tasting every bit of food. Embracing the love of everything and everyone around me.

Santorini was magical. I'm in a complete state of awe, humility, and gratitude for my experiences here. For my growing heart, spirit, and intellect. For the love I'm experiencing in so many different facets.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

That's all I can really say...though, it will never be enough.